Someone just asked me if I could tell one person something that I've always wanted to tell them, what would it be and who? Here's my answer:
When I'm on the phone with you, and you ask me how I am..Sometimes I wish you could hear the pain in my voice and know that I'm really not ok.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
July 9, 2010
So people ask me what my problem is. All the time. "Hey, Lilly, what's you're problem?! Why are you so mopey and weird and depressed and EMO?! You act like you lost your best friend or something...com'on, suck it up, and actually be thankful for what you have. You know, you're mom didn't have to adopt you. God didn't have to let you live when you were a sick baby.." And the list goes on. My first question to you is how YOU think I react to that..? Usually I'll just look into their eyes, and my expression on my face says enough. "How could you?"..Other times I walk away without an expression or a word. Sometimes I just stare at them and laugh. Thinking to myself "You people really don't get it do you?" Some people think all I do is feel sorry for myself and that I'm pessimistic. Ok, so now I'm just going to address all of what I just said and give an answer..
First: You really want to know MY problem? (I'm oh so tempted to say that those people are my problem, but that's not really telling you anything about me) My problem is that I want to know people actually care. I know I'm loved. By certain people, I can look in their eyes, and I can tell. I just know. Others, they ask "Hey how are ya doing" I look at them, and I can tell, they're just humoring me. I know they don't really want to know they just want to hear "Yeah, I'm fine, how bout you?" But that's not why I'm weird and depressed and "emo" Because, I'm not any of those things. I'm..I'm just scared. It's not over. My trials troubles and tribulations aren't over. My grandmother, my uncle, and my dad's death..? Those are not the worst things that will happen to me. As far as I know, this was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. The hardest thing I've ever gone through. But not the worst. I know that; but I can't explain it to you. No; I didn't loose my best friend: I lost my father. I love my family and my friends. But it's hard to be thankful for loosing the most important parts of my life. Yes, I'm glad God let me live, I know my mom didn't HAVE to adopt me, she wanted to, it was a choice. However, my biological mom didn't have to go and make bad choices either, but, she did. So here I am. I'd appreciate it if you let me be about being adopted. I love my mom. I love my home. I love where I am. I do not regret being put into this family in one moment. I'm just upset that you would even say something like that.
People caring: There's this one friend I have. And. She's amazing. She's one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's funny. I love her. But, she's got a pretty big problem with self esteem. So, I try to make her feel better, and I tell her all these things I love about her. On her facebook wall, it's plastered with people telling her how much they care about her, how much they love her, and how wonderful she is. To be REALLY honest with you? I'm jealous :) I know, I shouldn't be, because, on the inside I know it's all true. Someone told me that no one really thinks that about me, because they don't bother to do stuff like that for me. All I could think was "Gee..thanks" The other day I was talking to one of my best friends, and I was basically pouring my heart out to him. I told him everything that I'd been keeping locked up inside. I told him that "I just want to know that people care enough about me to WANT to find out what I'm like inside, know everything about me, and love me all the same; I tell people this, and they all say "I love you, I care about you.." But I can tell some of them could care less; they're just saying it to make me feel better" Then he said something I never thought someone like him would say "I care" I said thank you. But not for saying that he cared. But for saying it AND meaning it.
Don't get me wrong. I love all my friends, I love my brother and my mom. I thank God for them all the time. I'm so blessed to have them as friends. Even the one's that tease me and are mean to me. But sometimes I just feel so locked up inside. I feel trapped..And I'm rather tired of people who THINK they know who I am inside :)
First: You really want to know MY problem? (I'm oh so tempted to say that those people are my problem, but that's not really telling you anything about me) My problem is that I want to know people actually care. I know I'm loved. By certain people, I can look in their eyes, and I can tell. I just know. Others, they ask "Hey how are ya doing" I look at them, and I can tell, they're just humoring me. I know they don't really want to know they just want to hear "Yeah, I'm fine, how bout you?" But that's not why I'm weird and depressed and "emo" Because, I'm not any of those things. I'm..I'm just scared. It's not over. My trials troubles and tribulations aren't over. My grandmother, my uncle, and my dad's death..? Those are not the worst things that will happen to me. As far as I know, this was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. The hardest thing I've ever gone through. But not the worst. I know that; but I can't explain it to you. No; I didn't loose my best friend: I lost my father. I love my family and my friends. But it's hard to be thankful for loosing the most important parts of my life. Yes, I'm glad God let me live, I know my mom didn't HAVE to adopt me, she wanted to, it was a choice. However, my biological mom didn't have to go and make bad choices either, but, she did. So here I am. I'd appreciate it if you let me be about being adopted. I love my mom. I love my home. I love where I am. I do not regret being put into this family in one moment. I'm just upset that you would even say something like that.
People caring: There's this one friend I have. And. She's amazing. She's one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's funny. I love her. But, she's got a pretty big problem with self esteem. So, I try to make her feel better, and I tell her all these things I love about her. On her facebook wall, it's plastered with people telling her how much they care about her, how much they love her, and how wonderful she is. To be REALLY honest with you? I'm jealous :) I know, I shouldn't be, because, on the inside I know it's all true. Someone told me that no one really thinks that about me, because they don't bother to do stuff like that for me. All I could think was "Gee..thanks" The other day I was talking to one of my best friends, and I was basically pouring my heart out to him. I told him everything that I'd been keeping locked up inside. I told him that "I just want to know that people care enough about me to WANT to find out what I'm like inside, know everything about me, and love me all the same; I tell people this, and they all say "I love you, I care about you.." But I can tell some of them could care less; they're just saying it to make me feel better" Then he said something I never thought someone like him would say "I care" I said thank you. But not for saying that he cared. But for saying it AND meaning it.
Don't get me wrong. I love all my friends, I love my brother and my mom. I thank God for them all the time. I'm so blessed to have them as friends. Even the one's that tease me and are mean to me. But sometimes I just feel so locked up inside. I feel trapped..And I'm rather tired of people who THINK they know who I am inside :)
Thursday, July 8, 2010
July 8th, 2010
Hey! So lately I've been trying to remember who I am. Or what I used to be prior to 5 months back. To explain this whole thing, I'll tell you a story. When I was younger, whenever it rained, I would go outside and "dance" in the rain. I'd run outside barefoot, and splash in the puddles and just..have a good time :) Today, I went outside (to walk my dog), I put on a pair of shoes, and I brought an umbrella with me. While walking along the street, I stepped in a puddle, and got mildly upset, because I was afraid that my clothes and my shoes would be wet and dirty. Thinking back to when I was little, I started laughing. I realized I'd turned into a picky "city girl"..to worried I'd mess up makeup(examples), or mess up my nail polish, or mess up my clothes, or get my hair wet. I began to wonder what happened to the little country girl in pig tails, and overalls. I thought "enough of this" and I pulled off my shoes, threw the umbrella, and I ran and jumped in a puddle (I was laughing like an idiot the whole time :]) Sure, the people across the street watching me must have thought I was insane, but that's just who I am. I'm Lilly - Just because I'm older, doesn't mean I can't continue to have a good time, and continue to be a Lilly.
Sure I've gone through a lot of life-changing events, sure I'm older. Now I'm not saying it's ok to act immature, I'm just saying: Don't ever forget who you are. Even when you're older, you should always keep a part of that little girl or boy inside your heart. And, every now or then, make sure to let them out ;)
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
(Psalm 51:10)
Sure I've gone through a lot of life-changing events, sure I'm older. Now I'm not saying it's ok to act immature, I'm just saying: Don't ever forget who you are. Even when you're older, you should always keep a part of that little girl or boy inside your heart. And, every now or then, make sure to let them out ;)
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
(Psalm 51:10)
July 9th 2010
Hey people :) So, I don't really know what to do, and that's why I'm blogging. I'll probably go practice my guitar after this but for no, I'd rather talk to you :) Sooo. Nothing really deep or heartfelt to talk about today, just a normal day..well, I did pretty much pour my heart out to my best friend, and that went really well, so..it's all good :) Life is pretty stressful over here at the Arion house hold, with school starting soon. To be honest I'm really excited, and I can't wait. I still have a couple school things to resolve, but other then that, I'm fine. Mom is working on getting everything pulled together so we can continue remodeling our house, and that's going pretty well to. She's really happy about our school situation next year. And I'm happy about that. She needs to relax more, and since she gave up some of her classes, she can do that! I'll be so much happier when our house is remodeled, and school is started, and I'm settled in and everything. I get the feeling that next year since mom is going to be so busy, and our lives our going to be so hectic, I'm just going to walk down to the Library and do my homework down there. It's really relaxing :)
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