December 9th, 2010

Dad:
The night before you died I held your hand and told you my biggest fear...I knew you were sleeping and I knew you were never going to open your eyes to me again. I knew you weren't gunna make it past Wednesday. I told you I was afraid I would forget. I was afraid others would forget. I made many promises that I've tried very hard to keep. Dad...this morning as I was doing my homework I saw your picture and I tried to remember you. Dad I'm so so sorry I can't remember your laugh and I can't remember how you talked to me. Please, God, please I can't forget him...I can't let go. Not yet.

Dad, just as the tears are running down my cheeks and just as I can't breathe and just as there's a pain in my chest: I remember you were the greatest man I've ever known. I remember I loved you so so much. I remember that you loved your family as much as life itself. I miss you dad...and I love you.

Hey there everyone.. It's really late on a school night and for some reason I can't sleep. I have something to say..but I just don't know how to say it. Everyone: I'm sorry if I've been mean, ignorant, pushy, bossy, passive, secretive or anything else you can possibly think of. I've been told how different I am now, and I'm not entirely sure of what that means but yeah, last year I guess I was "bright, cheerful, inspiring, and confident" but now I'm not sure what I am.

God, if I screamed at the top of my lungs would you hear me?
God, if I asked for a light would you give it?
Brother, if I needed help...would you help me?
Mother, if I was in trouble would you save me?
Friend: If I was curled up crying in pain on the floor...would you comfort me?

Most of my friends think they understand me completely..I wish that were true..because maybe then they could tell me what's going on. I don't know anymore. I'm in over my head. I say God help me. But I can't let go of the thread I'm hanging onto and I'm still 1000 feet off the ground. Why can't I let go? What's so good about what I feel now that I don't want to go back to what I was? Or was there something about who I was I don't want anymore?

I miss being always incredibly happy...I miss walking into the doors of the school seeing all my friends and just being in pure bliss...I would look around and I would have this HUGE smile on my face because everyone was just so..beautiful. Everyone had everything they needed. Everyone was happy. Now I look around I don't see the "beautiful" in everyone, I know not everyone has what the need, I know not everyone is happy. Maybe a dramatic experience has let me know how the world really is, but honestly (and sadly) if that's all I can get from a dramatic experience then I wish I was still naive. Yes I was ignorant. But I was happy...I was so happy..