Have you ever reached that point in your life where everything just doesn't seem...right. Everything's jumbled up and just not...fixable. Tonight I'm sitting here, trying to fall asleep...I've been crying for the past hour but no one will ever understand. Can anyone of my friends possibly know how this feels? I have one of the greatest pains in the world...but none of my friends get it. I can't expect them too..
It's kind of like looking in a mirror and not liking what you see...or asking "who is that..really. Who is REALLY in there?" You yourself don't completely understand, but everyone else does. Well. I understand my pain...but no one else does/will.
I'm really sorry...I feel like no matter how much I try to explain, no one will get it. And it's frustrating...Lord, please lead me to a friend who understands..
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
January 8 2011
Hello everyone :)
Had another pretty bad day today :(...I don't know. It's hard to explain the mindset I have. My mom made a very interesting point this morning on our way to school.
As she was getting into the car she says "Finally..life with a purpose.." I looked at her and I said "But you have John and I..and we need you!" And she said "No, you two would do just fine on your own. Which makes me happy, because that means you won't depend on me to take care of you"
So then I thought to myself "Why do I get up in the morning? To go to school...so I can learn. So I can get a job. So I can support myself...well why even do that much..?"
If you can understand what I'm saying. So why do I get up in the morning? No one needs me. I know a lot of people care. But I'm not "needed"..life could go on without me, people wouldn't have a harder time functioning without me. So. What is my purpose at this moment? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?
But if I think everything is so pointless, why do I care so much? Why do I go out of my way to make sure my friend isn't being picked on, to make sure someone doesn't feel "alone", to make sure everyone is comfortable. Because "as long as they're ok, I'm ok"...I'm not sure that's exactly how it works. But for some reason...it's true.
And if my life on earth is so short...why do I care so much about what other's think? Why do I hope others "approve" of what I look like? Why do we spend so much time worrying if we're accepted by others. Deep down, I know it's pointless, and shallow, but it's one of those things I can't seem to "let go of". I'm sure if we all had NO idea what we looked like, the world would be a better place. If we couldn't see..because what your outward appearance is wouldn't matter. What your heart looks like would.
Had another pretty bad day today :(...I don't know. It's hard to explain the mindset I have. My mom made a very interesting point this morning on our way to school.
As she was getting into the car she says "Finally..life with a purpose.." I looked at her and I said "But you have John and I..and we need you!" And she said "No, you two would do just fine on your own. Which makes me happy, because that means you won't depend on me to take care of you"
So then I thought to myself "Why do I get up in the morning? To go to school...so I can learn. So I can get a job. So I can support myself...well why even do that much..?"
If you can understand what I'm saying. So why do I get up in the morning? No one needs me. I know a lot of people care. But I'm not "needed"..life could go on without me, people wouldn't have a harder time functioning without me. So. What is my purpose at this moment? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?
But if I think everything is so pointless, why do I care so much? Why do I go out of my way to make sure my friend isn't being picked on, to make sure someone doesn't feel "alone", to make sure everyone is comfortable. Because "as long as they're ok, I'm ok"...I'm not sure that's exactly how it works. But for some reason...it's true.
And if my life on earth is so short...why do I care so much about what other's think? Why do I hope others "approve" of what I look like? Why do we spend so much time worrying if we're accepted by others. Deep down, I know it's pointless, and shallow, but it's one of those things I can't seem to "let go of". I'm sure if we all had NO idea what we looked like, the world would be a better place. If we couldn't see..because what your outward appearance is wouldn't matter. What your heart looks like would.
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