January 8 2011

Hello everyone :)
Had another pretty bad day today :(...I don't know. It's hard to explain the mindset I have. My mom made a very interesting point this morning on our way to school.

As she was getting into the car she says "Finally..life with a purpose.." I looked at her and I said "But you have John and I..and we need you!" And she said "No, you two would do just fine on your own. Which makes me happy, because that means you won't depend on me to take care of you"

So then I thought to myself "Why do I get up in the morning? To go to school...so I can learn. So I can get a job. So I can support myself...well why even do that much..?"

If you can understand what I'm saying. So why do I get up in the morning? No one needs me. I know a lot of people care. But I'm not "needed"..life could go on without me, people wouldn't have a harder time functioning without me. So. What is my purpose at this moment? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

But if I think everything is so pointless, why do I care so much? Why do I go out of my way to make sure my friend isn't being picked on, to make sure someone doesn't feel "alone", to make sure everyone is comfortable. Because "as long as they're ok, I'm ok"...I'm not sure that's exactly how it works. But for some reason...it's true.

And if my life on earth is so short...why do I care so much about what other's think? Why do I hope others "approve" of what I look like? Why do we spend so much time worrying if we're accepted by others. Deep down, I know it's pointless, and shallow, but it's one of those things I can't seem to "let go of". I'm sure if we all had NO idea what we looked like, the world would be a better place. If we couldn't see..because what your outward appearance is wouldn't matter. What your heart looks like would.