January 1, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Since I really don't know how to start this out, I'll just begin by explaining what my New Year started out as:

All crowded around the TV, the ending to 2012 popped op on our screen. I hurriedly looked down at the clock waiting eagerly for the moment when we could welcome the New Year. I looked around the room suddenly noticing that my mom and brother had moved out across the garage into the office. The explanation was so John and I could be enrolled immediately and get our electives for classes in. Letting out a sigh I slowly started out to the office however in a moments time I realized two of our family members weren't going to start the New Year with my brother and my mom. I ran into my room and pulled on my fuzzy boots thinking I couldn't get them on fast enough. I bolted out the back door and to the crate where my furry companion (Binky) was being sadly detained. "Here Binky, here boy, com'on, 2011 is almost here!" I could see my breath in the air as I waited for Binky to step outside of his crate. Together we scrambled through the door, barely closing it...As I was quickly passing through the family room I snatched Snickers of the couch and made my way to the office where I saw my mom and brother both on the computers waiting for January 1st. I set both dogs down and smiled to myself "My family...we made it. We made it. I miss you dad, and I wish we could all be together right now" "WAIT A MINUTE" I heard my mom exclaim "How'd they get in here?!" "Well" I stammered "I thought we should start out the New Year right, as a family" "You're right Lil" my brother cut in.

I sat down in the silence waiting. Finally. 12:00 "HAPPY NEW YEARS!!" I jumped up my arms in the air, legs apart, my mouth wide open waiting for a response. Seconds passed. I slowly put my arms down, closed my mouth and walked towards my mom. "Mom, Happy New Year.." "Mhhhmm..." Mom just kept staring at the computer waiting for re enrollment links. I looked at the floor and laughed to myself. "My family..." I paused and looked around realizing nothing more interesting was going to happen. "Com'on Binkers, we're going to bed" We walked out together Binky trotting a little bit ahead of me. I looked around the room. This year had gone so fast. Seems like yesterday was New Years.

Slowly walking into my room I smiled...Indeed, I'm starting the New Year with my head up, a smile on my face, and a whole lot of anticipation for what this year has to bring.

December 26th

Hey..can't sleep again. *sigh* Ohh well. Lately I've had a lot of questions. Not about anything "normal" or "regular". Just questions about me I guess. Like why am I so against talking to people about how I feel? Or why can't I open up to my own family? There's just..a lot out there that I have to say but it would take HOURS to try to explain it to everyone. Or anyone for that matter. And I do believe I'm going crazy for real :p Either that or I'm bipolar. Maybe multiple personality disorder? Or am I just two faced...oh. Got it. I'm just a really good actress.

One of my closest friends told me I've changed a lot. And I know I have..I just didn't want to admit it. Like the fact I don't tell anyone anything anymore. If I'm hurting, I won't tell you. I talk in riddles. I don't make everything crystal clear anymore. The only the that's almost the same: I almost always smile. But how many people realize I'm not really smiling?
The same friend asked me why I like wearing waterproof makeup all the time. I looked her in the eyes and thought to myself "Good. It's working"

But see..I would never tell her that. I wouldn't know how, and I wouldn't want her worrying about me. The other day I was in the girls bathroom at school and I had been crying (before school started) and she came in and saw me. MOST embarrassing moment of my life. Really. I promised 3 years ago that I would NEVER cry in front of my friends. Why? Because how can I encourage them to be strong if I can't? How can I be the shoulder to cry on if I'm crying to? I just..I don't know. Crying isn't really my "thing" anyway so. Yeah :) Hopefully she's forgotten about the whole thing :p