11/21/11

Thanksgiving break - Yay.. Well I am happy we've got a break, but I'm gunna dread going back to school. Random side note, I've made some new awesome friends and I'm happy with that. But I've also lost a couple friends recently so I'm not to happy about that one... There's really nothing else I have to say :/ Kinda bummed out today. It didn't go to well..

Why am I up??? 1:34, 11/17/11

Hey! So sorry I haven't made posts lately...my fault! I've been really busy with school and everything, so I've been a little stressed out. I'm not very good at this whole highschool thing :p On a weirder note, I'm on this thing called a rice diet. Basically I just eat rice. All the time. It's actually amazing..I love rice! It is a little dangerous however, because it causes you to drop pounds VERY quickly which isn't always good. Especially if you're skinny. Moving on... I've started doing a lot more art stuff...I love abstract/modern art, but I only get an inspiration every couple days, but then I forget it. SO, if you read these, and you follow me, give me some suggestions? Thanks! Maybe I'll make one just for you? <3 Also - I was thinking of starting vloging but I just can't make up my mind on whether or not I should :/ It's up in the air.. ^^ Recently I've decided I REALLY like video editing. I don't know why...it's just a lot of fun. Hopefully I can save up enough money to buy a good camera and some good software to make that all happen... WELL it's late, I really should be sleeping, but I've just been horribly distracted. SO...So long!! BTW - Please please follow my blog! It'd mean a lot :)

August 23 2011

WOW
First day of school and I gotta tell you. It was Terr-A-BUHL!!! Seriously?! I'M GUNNA FAIL! It's not fair. Anywho...I like my teachers, it's just...this is the first day of school and I'm already stressin out. Yeah...PE was torture too. I mean it wasn't THAT bad but, all the genetically weak people like me aren't SUPPOSED to be doing this to our bodies. But I guess I'll be a good sport and have a good attitude about it...I'm looking forward to tomorrow and some spare time =)

August 20th 2011

Hey all =)
It's pretty much the last free day before school starts. I know we have Sunday, but that doesn't count, soo Saturday was the last day for me. I'm not to happy. I want summer to continue forever. Which is weird because usually I can't wait for school to start, but honestly this year I'm just scared. Please, pray for me, and to my readers, I'll be praying for those starting school this week as well. You know...everything is so terribly different. There are so many things I'd wish for RIGHT now, but even if I make all the wishes I want...nothing will change.

August 4th, 2011

This will mark my 100th post, 100 days of blogging. Not like that was a goal of mine, but it's still pretty important. But today, I have something that's pretty important to say (at least to myself), more important then yesterday.

Today I was thinking "How do you know God has the right plan for your life? How do you know He's making the right decisions...how can you TRUST that He is?" Well...after a while I just thought to myself "You don't think about it, you just know." And that's exactly it. I KNOW I love God. There are reasons why, but...do I really need a reason? Can you think of a reason why you love your parents or your siblings? Besides the obvious ones, there aren't really any. You just do. And that's the way I love God. I love Him because He saved me. ME...out of all these people in the world, and I am so so thankful for that. There is no doubt in my mind, I love Him. And I trust Him. With all my heart. So God...I'm giving you my life. I'm giving you everything I have. I'm picking up my cross and I'm following you with complete faith and trust.

It took me a while to understand...to realize. I didn't need a reason WHY this was happening to me. No one does...it's just part of Gods plan for our lives. And you just have to trust that He knows what He's doing;I do.I'm so glad I understand now. It takes time to understand, but when you do, it's so clear, there's a wave of peace and you're happy...I'm happy. For the first time in a year and a half - I am truly truly happy.

August 3rd, 2011

Hey all. I know I haven't written in a while, but that's ok (by me). Anyway. I just finished another book. It's about the perfect, gorgeous, popular girl with the typical unpopular, ignored, but equally as gorgeous, yet two times as sarcastic sister. Ellie, the perfect sister gets into a car accident and has to deal with one half of her body being scarred. In other words, she has an emotional and physical battle and learns what it means to be "truly beautiful". What does it mean to be beautiful? Not just on the outside, I mean on the inside. In this world today, girls strive for beauty, but not inside beauty, outside beauty. Does that really matter? In my opinion...beauty is embracing who you are as an individual, flaws and all. Everyone is damaged; inside, or outside, it's a fact. There isn't one person in this world who hasn't been through a trial, whether it be physical or emotional. There's a quote that says "Life is about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." In a way, that is very true. Nearly in all ways, in fact. It's not who we were before our trials began, it's who we become after our trials are over.

Another part of what I want to say today is this - Normal is boring...it's average. Do what you want to do with yourself and your life because YOU want to. Not because your mom, your dad, your siblings, or your friends want you to. It's your choice. You choose. So many kids these days are under some delusion that "because everyone else is doing it, means I should do it to". I'm not saying that at some point I haven't fallen a victim under this "delusion" at some point. Yes, even I, Lilly fell for that. Once when I was using it as an argument as to why my dad should let me get a phone, and one other time when I got teased because I had/have curly hair. I went home and straightened out all my curls just so I could look "normal". Well let me tell you - we weren't meant to blend in with any kind of crowd. Each person has it's own genetic coding...specific instructions as to how their bodies, personalities, attitudes are made. We are meant to be unique...to be special...it was God's plan from the very beginning. We shouldn't altar that just because we stand out. One way or another, everyone needs to learn to love who they are. I'm sure you've heard this message a million times - from your mother, teacher, friend. But listen...it's true. Accept it now or not, it's a fact...a reality that will never change. We are meant to be different. Love that. There's already one popular cheerleader...why would you want to copy that? Especially if it's not worth copying...be happy with who YOU are. But, in the process, learn to accept others, and love them as they are too. Goodnight everyone.

July 17, 2011

Sometimes it's nice to think you're not like everyone else. To look in the mirror and SEE that you're different. But other times it's the most wretched thing in the world, because sometimes being different...means being alone.

What makes someone strong? I'm not talking about the physical kind of strength. I mean emotionally. Is it trust? Faith? Love? Perhaps all three? Or should the question be what makes someone weak? Hurt, pain, fear? Perfect Love casts out all fear, therefore, logically, I can conclude that perfect Love would also "cast out" weakness. But then I can also see that fear is only part of weakness. How do you cast out pain and hurt? Many ask the question, but no one seems to know the answer. How can someone go through a world of hurt, but still love, trust, or believe? How can someone go through that and still remain the same? The answer is quite simple - it's not possible. Or is it?

July 16, 2011

I'm still living in the past. I'm still tracing my tracks. I'm still angry and maybe a little depressed. Underneath that I know who I actually am, and I WILL NOT change for ANYBODY. I know every lie you've told me. Every time you looked me in the eyes and promised something, and didn't mean it,every minute you spent pretending to be somebody you're not? I don't care. But please...leave me be. I've been broken down to my last bit of strength. I'm tired of all the lies, all the acts, all the insincerity. I just want the truth. I want what's real. I want real love, real people, I want people to be genuine with me. Am I asking to much? I just want one answer. I've been asking this same question for the past year and a half - WHY. Does anybody know. Is anyone listening? WHY have I been left behind. WHY am I being ignored? WHY can't anyone hear my screams for help? God....WHY have you left me?

May 10th 2011

Hey everyone :) So tomorrow is my last day of school. Boy...mixed feelings. Next year is going to be really weird and I don't know if I can handle it. But I'm also really excited cuz I've been waiting for highschool all my life...just kidding. I've been waiting to get married all my life but...I'm not so sure about that anymore, and seeing as I'm not married, the whole highschool thing comes first ;)

So anyway. Today I was outside my house and I decided to have a conversation with my imaginary friend. Went pretty well...but I kinda realized that I don't trust. I don't really trust anyone. And that's really bad...cuz...doesn't everyone have at least one person they trust with everything? I mean I have a few friends I'll tell everything to, and I do trust they won't tell anyone, but with things like my LIFE I'm not sure I could trust them. Or someone else's life. Like a best friend? Now I completely lost my train of thought. Either way. Did Job trust God when he hit a rough spot? I've just got to know because...I've had doubts. In the past...now and probably in the future. But is it ok to doubt? Is it ok not to trust the one thing you SHOULD trust with everything?

May 9th 2011

Heyy everyone :) Nice to...well I can't literally see you so never mind. But I am glad to be writing right now :)

Question: How can you tell when people are being real with you? PARTICULARLY guys. Sorry I'm singling you out but in all seriousness. I can't tell anymore. Further explanation - oh geez I don't even know how to explain it. I've lost most of my ability to "read" people which makes everything so much harder for me to understand :| Boo...

So anywho. My Cali vacation was great, especially getting to see my cousins and my great aunt Mary. She's really a nice lady :)) I'm really sad we didn't get to stay/see them very long, it was all to short.

Though the location was great, I will admit there were quite a few creepers, if you know what I mean. Sadly, there are also a lot of homeless people :( I don't understand...Ah once again, I can't explain how I feel. But I just feel really selfish when I complain all the time and then I go to California and some of these people don't even have a pair of shoes. They just...take it one day at a time and hope they can get enough money for their next meal. I would love to give them money and such (which I will admit I caved to a little old lady, the reason shouldn't be questioned I mean ITS A LITTLE OLD LADY) but as my teacher used to say "give em a fish you'll keep them fed, teach them to fish, they'll learn to live" and it's pretty true. Unfortunately I can't get out there and teach em how to "fish".

May 1st 2011

To all friends...
To many of you, I've been terrible. I've been mean at times, I'll admit. I've made mistakes. I've done a lot of things wrong... loosing your trust no doubt. I hurt you...and I'm sorry. You were one of the most important things in my life. Really - you got me through all the hard situations, and helped me become who I am today.

Last night I had a dream...dad was there. In his bed, hooked up to the IV just like the day I last saw him. He woke up, looked at me, held my hand...and he said "Live. No regrets...laugh. Love..." And he was gone.

So today I need to tell everyone. I love you all. Thanks for being there. Thanks for caring...thanks for loving me when I didn't deserve it. Thanks for telling me it was going to be ok. And thanks to the friends who got mad at me and told me to get out of the dirt and continue my life...from this day forward- I want to live, no regrets. I want to laugh. And most of all...I want to show Jesus' love.

April 26, 2011

I keep trying to write something here that I feel like I need to say but, I can't seem to press the enter key. So instead -

Hey! :)) Life's pretty good, I guess, going to California in a week (less actually) and I'm really excited about it. My grades are great, steadily going up. To be honest, I'm excited and scared at the same time about going into 9th grade : \ And I also really miss my 9th grade friends...
Weellll anyway gotta get back to homework so byers..

March 30, 2011

Haven't written in a while, but...I kinda felt the need to write tonight :) I made a post on face book talking about how I felt so blessed about everything I have. And I am...I admit, during May (of last year of course) I did feel sorry for myself...I was angry, depressed..confused. And I thought I had a reason to be. But through all the dark stuff, depression, confusion and anger, I never pushed that aside to see what I HAD right in front of me. A family, friends that care, both of which love me. I've realized that now. Just because I'm going through something hard doesn't give me an excuse to change who I really am. It doesn't give me an excuse to ignore those who care and love about me, and I'm sorry.
One of my very dear friends is going through a hard time right now. Cept it isn't something emotional, it's something that's physically hurting her. And she's being so...amazing about it. If I was going through what she was going through, I wouldn't have the courage or strength to keep my head up and act like nothing is wrong. I love her to pieces, and she inspires me, even though she's younger. She's a beautiful, amazing young woman that I'm also very thankful to know.
Alrighty. I'm off...I'm exhausted, and now that I've got that off my chest I feel much better :) I love all my friends, and all those who support me, especially my family. My mom is amazing. I look up to her in a lot of ways, even though she doesn't realize it. She's taken on so much in the past two years and hasn't had an emotional break down yet ;) I love her so much...so much.

God, Thank you for everything I have... <3

February 27 2011

I learned a pretty important lesson today..one of my friends told me "..you're average." Yes. I was a little hurt...It doesn't feel good to hear that kind of thing. But a voice inside said "Who cares what he thinks? Who cares what anyone thinks? He's not you!" I kinda smiled to myself then thought it really doesn't matter what other people thing. You don't need other peoples approval to make your way through the world. Because your opinion and thoughts are the only ones that truly matter. Just remember: you're a Kings kid. And if He says your beautiful...you are :)

February 21, 2011

I'm not the smartest girl in the world...I may not get straight A's. And I don't know much about math. I don't understand people and why they do things, I don't know why after we mess up once, we continue to do so. I'm not in the greatest shape and I don't walk tall. I may not act like a lady at times, but at least I know how to live. I say things without thinking, and regret them later. I can be a little judgmental and quick to state my opinion...sure. I loose my temper every now and then. I can pretend that everything is fine and yeah. I lie about what I'm really feeling.

No...I'm not perfect. So why do I even try?

February 10 2011

Have you ever reached that point in your life where everything just doesn't seem...right. Everything's jumbled up and just not...fixable. Tonight I'm sitting here, trying to fall asleep...I've been crying for the past hour but no one will ever understand. Can anyone of my friends possibly know how this feels? I have one of the greatest pains in the world...but none of my friends get it. I can't expect them too..

It's kind of like looking in a mirror and not liking what you see...or asking "who is that..really. Who is REALLY in there?" You yourself don't completely understand, but everyone else does. Well. I understand my pain...but no one else does/will.

I'm really sorry...I feel like no matter how much I try to explain, no one will get it. And it's frustrating...Lord, please lead me to a friend who understands..

January 8 2011

Hello everyone :)
Had another pretty bad day today :(...I don't know. It's hard to explain the mindset I have. My mom made a very interesting point this morning on our way to school.

As she was getting into the car she says "Finally..life with a purpose.." I looked at her and I said "But you have John and I..and we need you!" And she said "No, you two would do just fine on your own. Which makes me happy, because that means you won't depend on me to take care of you"

So then I thought to myself "Why do I get up in the morning? To go to school...so I can learn. So I can get a job. So I can support myself...well why even do that much..?"

If you can understand what I'm saying. So why do I get up in the morning? No one needs me. I know a lot of people care. But I'm not "needed"..life could go on without me, people wouldn't have a harder time functioning without me. So. What is my purpose at this moment? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

But if I think everything is so pointless, why do I care so much? Why do I go out of my way to make sure my friend isn't being picked on, to make sure someone doesn't feel "alone", to make sure everyone is comfortable. Because "as long as they're ok, I'm ok"...I'm not sure that's exactly how it works. But for some reason...it's true.

And if my life on earth is so short...why do I care so much about what other's think? Why do I hope others "approve" of what I look like? Why do we spend so much time worrying if we're accepted by others. Deep down, I know it's pointless, and shallow, but it's one of those things I can't seem to "let go of". I'm sure if we all had NO idea what we looked like, the world would be a better place. If we couldn't see..because what your outward appearance is wouldn't matter. What your heart looks like would.

February 4 2011

Hey! Gunna keep this short today :)
I'm doing better...I'm having a more positive outlook on life. And I think it's because I've realized something. I can't go anywhere without God. I can't function without him. Without God...I'm just mean. angry..hateful. depressed...negative. Thanks...everyone. Thank you for being there. I'm back on track

I love my Jesus :)

January 21 2011

Sometime you feel like you've got no where to go and nothing's right. There's so much that can go on in a persons life. But that's when you need to stop, take a deep breath and realize that everything will eventually work itself out. When you feel like there's no hope...look up. There's always a shinning light.

January 20 2011

Hey all. I've finally realized that when I sit down to write in my blog...it's never that I'm at a loss for words, or don't know what to say...it's that I can't bring myself to say what I'm really thinking. I can't tell all my secrets, thoughts, wishes, or emotional needs. Actually I'll probably never tell anyone any of those things. But to all the mothers fathers sons and daughters out there who are having problems with anything - You need to find someone to talk about it to. Any load that you're carrying will seem so much lighter when someone else is helping you carry it.

I wish I could wake up and realize it was all just a dream.

January 19 , 2011

You ever get that feeling when everyone is laughing and having a good time...and you're just wanting to run away and cry? The people around you are carefree and you can't seem to smile? Ever had those times where you feel like everything has been taken away from you and yet no one else seems to realize it. People may seem fine. Sure, they'll show up (to wherever) and act like they're having a great time, but they're not. Really they just want you to think they are because they don't want others to stress about them and what they're thinking.

The hardest part of life is breaking through that stage and finding who you truly are...

January 17, 2011

I am wearing a mask. On the mask, you see happiness, care free attitude, and full trust that everything is ok. I've been wearing this mask for about 3 years. I've gotten to the point where I don't even know how to take it off. I'm scared to take it off because I'm afraid of what people will do/ think. I'm afraid to face my friends/family without a mask on. I'm afraid I won't know what to do. I know my world will be upside down if I don't go to school with a big smile on my face, laugh at everyone's jokes, and step in to help everyone. It works. I don't want anything to change. I'd rather keep my mask on. I'd rather walk around with it so everything will be in balance. Everyone else can believe what they want to, they'll be happy, and they won't have to fix anything...I don't want to loose myself. Which is what will happen if I take it off.

..I could be anything, but I don't know what to believe in, I've got the world before me if I could only show you....I don't know what to do. Is there anything I can say or do that won't break me in two?

January 17, 2011

Is it entertaining? Is it amusing...? Do you enjoy sitting up there looking down on me..?

It's 4:00 in the morning. No sleep. I toss, I turn. I stay up thinking about way to much...and now I can't sleep. This has been going on to long. I can't handle this. There's so much I can't do or say. I've reached the point where I'm absolutely sure I've lost my mind. Everything's wrong...if I could run I would. But I can't. Because no matter where I run, everything's going to follow me. I feel like I've been playing "Pin the tail on the donkey" with life. But now the tail is stuck, and there's no way to take it off. It's always going to be there. And I'll have to live with it. But everyone else is dealing with their tails that I feel bad if I ask for help with mine. I can walk around like I don't have a tail. But no matter how much I pretend it's not there, I would love to chase it and grab it and throw it off a cliff...

It's ok though. Because I'm going to wake up soon. :) And everything is going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. Everyone will be fine. Just gotta wake up...

January 13, 2011

You ever get to that point in your life where nothing makes sense and you feel like everything is wrong? Well...that's where I'm at right now. Everything's wrong and nothing can change that. I just feel so...strange. I wanna go crawl in a hole and hide for the rest of my life but then again I have a strong urge to punch something. I have no idea why.

UGH I'm gunna scream...

January 12th 2011

You know how some people say that even if you have all the friends in the world, you can still be the loneliest? Why do I feel like that's what's happening to me? I have all these friends, and I know they care...But with all due respect, none of them understand. And even if they did I'm sick of hearing so many "I'm sorries" and apologies. It's not their fault. They can't fix it. No one can...what's done is done. I'll never get back what I had. I want to move on and forget everything that's happened. I wish I could wake up and realize it was all something I dreamed up..
I want someone to tell me that I haven't lost my mind. I need someone to tell me that I'm not crazy...Because every day is a struggle.

I'm so sorry - I promised you I would be strong. I promised I wouldn't let myself go. But I just can't do this.

January 9th 2011

....I must be a terrible terrible person.

Things are almost at the bottom. People tell me that once you hit the bottom the only direction you can go is up. But then, I thought..."what in the world. I can go sideways...just dragging along the bottom of my life" Haha, come'on, laugh. That was purty funny x) But anyway. Haha I'm sorry I just lost all my concentration because the image of me dragging along the bottom of the ocean in a terrible life is. Awful...but funny. Well apparently it is to other people.

January 7th 2011

Why do we dislike people that are different? Why do we laugh at cripples, people that can't hear, are blind, paralyzed are just aren't very smart? What about being different do we find so amusing? If someone has the privilege of being different, then why would you want them to change? Normal is boring...

Honestly though. I was reading a couple of emails from the people who read my blog and there was one by this girl that really got my wheels turning. In essence, she described herself and asked me what she should do after explaining her situation at school and such. She said (quote) "I am the weird girl with crazy curly hair, glasses, braces, and a not-so-clear face...I get teased a lot at school and my mother thinks I should straighten my hair, wear contacts, and wear makeup. Is she right?" No, dear :) No..You're beautiful the way you are and you shouldn't try to change yourself. Yes, represent yourself, look nice. But don't loose yourself. If you're going to change, do it for the right reasons.
The next time you see the boy or girl sitting by themselves at a table eating their lunch..go over there and talk to them. Reach out. Even though you didn't realize it, you may have saved a life, or dramatically changed one.

January 6th 2011

Hey. I guess I could say I have a lot on my mind today. There's so much running through my mind. Do I honestly have a reason to feel...depressed? Any reason to feel like my life is unfair? Sure, I have a list of things I wish were different...such as wishing I was at a different school, wishing I had more time with family. Wishing everything was different. There are a lot of things I wish for. But the thing about wishes is that they don't come true..and they never will.

When I was smaller there was so much I used to believe in. I was sure there is a God. I was sure people went to heaven when they died. I was sure I was going to be a vet when I grew up. And I was sure that no matter what my dad would always be there. But here's the thing. You can't lay out your own life because anything is subject to change. Our lives are already set out for us by a higher being. We have the option to make choices but...there's a certain lack of freedom. Whether you're bound by financial issues, family issues, personal issues or if you're my age, you live under a roof with a mother (said in a loving manner) Point being...I thought I had my life figured out and I KNEW how it was going to go. But I didn't...no one does. No one ever will. You can't just predict the future. You can't plan your life based on what you "think" or want to happen. Life doesn't happen that way.

What about love? Sure, I thought I was a princess and I've been waiting for my "Prince Charming" not really as a love figure. But more as a best friend that I can rely on for anything. I have a lot of close friends. And don't get me wrong. I appreciate them so so much. But...there are some people where you just feel a connection. You feel close to them. You feel so happy you could cry...you would do anything for them. Well I'm still looking for that person. Maybe I just need to get out more, I don't know. Part of me wants to get out and see the world, meet new people. But the other part of me wants to stay home work on my art, practice my music and shut myself alone in my room. Yes. I am happy alone. I like being alone... Most people don't understand why, but I can't answer that for them. I'll put on a happy face and I'll be overjoyed at the time to see my friends. But unfortunately most times I'd rather be home. Dreaming or working. That's another thing about me - I love busy schedules :)I love feeling overwhelmed and the feeling of helplessness I get when I see my busy schedule...I have no idea why. I just do.
As I was saying: Friends. I switched classes so now I have a different group of friends. I thought I would fit in...I thought I would be well accepted. But...I'm just not. I don't know why. I'm the odd ball. I always have been. Sometimes I like it that way, sometimes I wish people would just accept me the way I am, and sometimes I wish people would just treat me normal. I'm not dumb, I'm not unintelligent. When you make fun of me and tell me that I look weird, or that I'm stupid. Yeah. I smile, I laugh, I let you know you're not hurting me. But I have feelings to. I've just been wearing this mask for so long, I don't know how to take it off. Ask me how I am? I'm great, wonderful, I've never been better :D...

What about the people you think you know? The girl that always has a smile on her face, the one who laughs at everyone's jokes. The one you would never see crying. What if she's the one that cries herself to sleep, the one who sits on the bathroom floor crying in silence wishing her life were different. If you looked closely into her eyes you'd see the girl inside crying out for help. But are you listening? What about the girl who's nails are painted black, her eyes heavily covered with black eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara...she's been crying for days, but no one will talk to her because she's different. The girl who wears all those bracelets - she's been through so much. And she has the scars to prove it. The girl with perfectly manicured nails, skinny spidery legs...even the nail polish can't hide the blueish tinge anorexia leaves with all her victims. The freshman who acts like a jerk and a bully to everyone...is also the boy who recently lost a family member....he's also the boy that suffers from depression but is to scared to ask for help. To scared to reach out to anyone because he doesn't know what to expect. He doesn't know if he can trust, and if he does, will he end up getting hurt? The boy who shows up late to class every morning. He seems happy but his eyes are tired, his smile is fake...and those bruises weren't from falling down the stairs. Keep your eyes open. Look around...the people who least look like they're in need of help are really the ones who need it the most.