July 9, 2010

So people ask me what my problem is. All the time. "Hey, Lilly, what's you're problem?! Why are you so mopey and weird and depressed and EMO?! You act like you lost your best friend or something...com'on, suck it up, and actually be thankful for what you have. You know, you're mom didn't have to adopt you. God didn't have to let you live when you were a sick baby.." And the list goes on. My first question to you is how YOU think I react to that..? Usually I'll just look into their eyes, and my expression on my face says enough. "How could you?"..Other times I walk away without an expression or a word. Sometimes I just stare at them and laugh. Thinking to myself "You people really don't get it do you?" Some people think all I do is feel sorry for myself and that I'm pessimistic. Ok, so now I'm just going to address all of what I just said and give an answer..

First: You really want to know MY problem? (I'm oh so tempted to say that those people are my problem, but that's not really telling you anything about me) My problem is that I want to know people actually care. I know I'm loved. By certain people, I can look in their eyes, and I can tell. I just know. Others, they ask "Hey how are ya doing" I look at them, and I can tell, they're just humoring me. I know they don't really want to know they just want to hear "Yeah, I'm fine, how bout you?" But that's not why I'm weird and depressed and "emo" Because, I'm not any of those things. I'm..I'm just scared. It's not over. My trials troubles and tribulations aren't over. My grandmother, my uncle, and my dad's death..? Those are not the worst things that will happen to me. As far as I know, this was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. The hardest thing I've ever gone through. But not the worst. I know that; but I can't explain it to you. No; I didn't loose my best friend: I lost my father. I love my family and my friends. But it's hard to be thankful for loosing the most important parts of my life. Yes, I'm glad God let me live, I know my mom didn't HAVE to adopt me, she wanted to, it was a choice. However, my biological mom didn't have to go and make bad choices either, but, she did. So here I am. I'd appreciate it if you let me be about being adopted. I love my mom. I love my home. I love where I am. I do not regret being put into this family in one moment. I'm just upset that you would even say something like that.


People caring: There's this one friend I have. And. She's amazing. She's one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's funny. I love her. But, she's got a pretty big problem with self esteem. So, I try to make her feel better, and I tell her all these things I love about her. On her facebook wall, it's plastered with people telling her how much they care about her, how much they love her, and how wonderful she is. To be REALLY honest with you? I'm jealous :) I know, I shouldn't be, because, on the inside I know it's all true. Someone told me that no one really thinks that about me, because they don't bother to do stuff like that for me. All I could think was "Gee..thanks" The other day I was talking to one of my best friends, and I was basically pouring my heart out to him. I told him everything that I'd been keeping locked up inside. I told him that "I just want to know that people care enough about me to WANT to find out what I'm like inside, know everything about me, and love me all the same; I tell people this, and they all say "I love you, I care about you.." But I can tell some of them could care less; they're just saying it to make me feel better" Then he said something I never thought someone like him would say "I care" I said thank you. But not for saying that he cared. But for saying it AND meaning it.

Don't get me wrong. I love all my friends, I love my brother and my mom. I thank God for them all the time. I'm so blessed to have them as friends. Even the one's that tease me and are mean to me. But sometimes I just feel so locked up inside. I feel trapped..And I'm rather tired of people who THINK they know who I am inside :)

July 8th, 2010

Hey! So lately I've been trying to remember who I am. Or what I used to be prior to 5 months back. To explain this whole thing, I'll tell you a story. When I was younger, whenever it rained, I would go outside and "dance" in the rain. I'd run outside barefoot, and splash in the puddles and just..have a good time :) Today, I went outside (to walk my dog), I put on a pair of shoes, and I brought an umbrella with me. While walking along the street, I stepped in a puddle, and got mildly upset, because I was afraid that my clothes and my shoes would be wet and dirty. Thinking back to when I was little, I started laughing. I realized I'd turned into a picky "city girl"..to worried I'd mess up makeup(examples), or mess up my nail polish, or mess up my clothes, or get my hair wet. I began to wonder what happened to the little country girl in pig tails, and overalls. I thought "enough of this" and I pulled off my shoes, threw the umbrella, and I ran and jumped in a puddle (I was laughing like an idiot the whole time :]) Sure, the people across the street watching me must have thought I was insane, but that's just who I am. I'm Lilly - Just because I'm older, doesn't mean I can't continue to have a good time, and continue to be a Lilly.

Sure I've gone through a lot of life-changing events, sure I'm older. Now I'm not saying it's ok to act immature, I'm just saying: Don't ever forget who you are. Even when you're older, you should always keep a part of that little girl or boy inside your heart. And, every now or then, make sure to let them out ;)


Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
(Psalm 51:10)

July 9th 2010

Hey people :) So, I don't really know what to do, and that's why I'm blogging. I'll probably go practice my guitar after this but for no, I'd rather talk to you :) Sooo. Nothing really deep or heartfelt to talk about today, just a normal day..well, I did pretty much pour my heart out to my best friend, and that went really well, so..it's all good :) Life is pretty stressful over here at the Arion house hold, with school starting soon. To be honest I'm really excited, and I can't wait. I still have a couple school things to resolve, but other then that, I'm fine. Mom is working on getting everything pulled together so we can continue remodeling our house, and that's going pretty well to. She's really happy about our school situation next year. And I'm happy about that. She needs to relax more, and since she gave up some of her classes, she can do that! I'll be so much happier when our house is remodeled, and school is started, and I'm settled in and everything. I get the feeling that next year since mom is going to be so busy, and our lives our going to be so hectic, I'm just going to walk down to the Library and do my homework down there. It's really relaxing :)

July 8th, 2010

When am I going to learn? When am I finally going to tell the truth to people about myself? When am I going to accept who I really am, and trust that people will love me all the same? Readers - Truth is. I really didn't know who I was until 5 months ago. But just now all the pieces are starting to fall together..one of my final puzzles is almost finished. I just..I'm so lost. Confused, and frustrated. God where are you? I need you...I'm broken hearted, and empty inside.

About the truth: I try to be optimistic for my friends. I try to put on a happy face. I try to be everything they need. I try SO hard not to disappoint anyone. Let me tell you - It's impossible. I can't do it. No one can. But I still try none the less. I just want to be there for all my friends. I want to be that one friend that they NEED. I want to know that I have a purpose as of now...I want to know that I'm needed. I want to know that I'm cared about. See here's the real problem - I spend most of my time trying to care about other people and make sure they're ok, and I. ME of all people get on here tonight, and I use the word "I" 28 times. When have I ever stopped and thought about "wow...if I could just stop thinking about myself and think about other people and their needs.." can you imagine...what a better place it would be? Either way. I'm not always happy. I'm actually probably the most emotionally conflicted teen you would know. In fact, I have 5 different personalities (no joke) and it's a problem..I. Just want to hear three words. And for that person to actually mean it: "I love you"

July 6th :)

Hey all! Nothing to exciting or dramatic going on at the moment! Just the plain old routine! Have to get up at 7:00 tomorrow :P NOT looking forward to it. But, It's one of those things I have to do! I will look upon this with gratitude, not attitude! (You know the bad kind ;]) So. I really don't know what to talk about. Nothing inspires me at the moment. It's been a long day today, I got to talk to my best friends pretty much 24/7, but then again, they both have phones, so they text my computer, and I just reply all normal like ;) nah, I love them. And no, I don't NEED texting, but it would be nice! Speaking of which, I'm sorry to any of my friends who have tried to call me, but, I haven't been using my phone at all lately :) heehee. Well, this is a boring post, so I guess I'll leave you for now!

Love is energy of life.-Robert Browning.

To Brooklyn :)

Brooklyn :) Hey! All you have to do to follow my blog is go into the upper left hand corner and press "follow" if that doesn't work then...well...I don't know! HAHA :D but yes, I am on blogger! I love it! :) I warn you that some of my previous posts are really sad and they even make me cry :') But I hope you enjoy it!

July 5th 2010

Hey everyone :) Well. What do I have to say? I think tonight, I just realized how easy 1)I thought living in this world would be. There was a time when I thought a single kiss would change everything. Where three words would turn my world around. When a smile would turn someone's day upside down. The mind of a child - priceless. Beautiful. Pure. Why is it that with age comes immaturity? Why is it that with age..one stops believing. Miracles don't exist. There is no such thing as love. Happy endings? Never happen. Why does this happen? Today I realized I don't believe in all that anymore. I also realized how naive I used to be. I'm sure I still am, and that's never really going to change for someone like me. A number can really turn around someone's world. Especially mine.

Hey there guys! :) I know I haven't written in a while, but I'm in a much better mood now then I was a couple days ago. Everything is looking up. Well. I don't really know what to talk about. I haven't talked to my 9th grade friends in a long long time. I don't know why. I never get emails form them anymore (which is realllyy rare) and, none of them will call. I don't know what's going on. Ha, I guess I don't really care, because I only noticed it today, and its been months :) So, anybody got any suggestions on how to make some extra money? I want to get a job, but everyone is telling me I'm to young. You have to be 14 to get a job, and thats how old I am sooo. In any case, please give me some ideas on what to write about! :D I have been writing boring posts for a long time now, so I think I need to change the subjects a little. Also, can you give me and idea or two about a comedy video I can do? Ha! Thanks guys :)
Love ya!

Love, Peace, JESUS