July 9, 2010

So people ask me what my problem is. All the time. "Hey, Lilly, what's you're problem?! Why are you so mopey and weird and depressed and EMO?! You act like you lost your best friend or something...com'on, suck it up, and actually be thankful for what you have. You know, you're mom didn't have to adopt you. God didn't have to let you live when you were a sick baby.." And the list goes on. My first question to you is how YOU think I react to that..? Usually I'll just look into their eyes, and my expression on my face says enough. "How could you?"..Other times I walk away without an expression or a word. Sometimes I just stare at them and laugh. Thinking to myself "You people really don't get it do you?" Some people think all I do is feel sorry for myself and that I'm pessimistic. Ok, so now I'm just going to address all of what I just said and give an answer..

First: You really want to know MY problem? (I'm oh so tempted to say that those people are my problem, but that's not really telling you anything about me) My problem is that I want to know people actually care. I know I'm loved. By certain people, I can look in their eyes, and I can tell. I just know. Others, they ask "Hey how are ya doing" I look at them, and I can tell, they're just humoring me. I know they don't really want to know they just want to hear "Yeah, I'm fine, how bout you?" But that's not why I'm weird and depressed and "emo" Because, I'm not any of those things. I'm..I'm just scared. It's not over. My trials troubles and tribulations aren't over. My grandmother, my uncle, and my dad's death..? Those are not the worst things that will happen to me. As far as I know, this was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. The hardest thing I've ever gone through. But not the worst. I know that; but I can't explain it to you. No; I didn't loose my best friend: I lost my father. I love my family and my friends. But it's hard to be thankful for loosing the most important parts of my life. Yes, I'm glad God let me live, I know my mom didn't HAVE to adopt me, she wanted to, it was a choice. However, my biological mom didn't have to go and make bad choices either, but, she did. So here I am. I'd appreciate it if you let me be about being adopted. I love my mom. I love my home. I love where I am. I do not regret being put into this family in one moment. I'm just upset that you would even say something like that.


People caring: There's this one friend I have. And. She's amazing. She's one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's funny. I love her. But, she's got a pretty big problem with self esteem. So, I try to make her feel better, and I tell her all these things I love about her. On her facebook wall, it's plastered with people telling her how much they care about her, how much they love her, and how wonderful she is. To be REALLY honest with you? I'm jealous :) I know, I shouldn't be, because, on the inside I know it's all true. Someone told me that no one really thinks that about me, because they don't bother to do stuff like that for me. All I could think was "Gee..thanks" The other day I was talking to one of my best friends, and I was basically pouring my heart out to him. I told him everything that I'd been keeping locked up inside. I told him that "I just want to know that people care enough about me to WANT to find out what I'm like inside, know everything about me, and love me all the same; I tell people this, and they all say "I love you, I care about you.." But I can tell some of them could care less; they're just saying it to make me feel better" Then he said something I never thought someone like him would say "I care" I said thank you. But not for saying that he cared. But for saying it AND meaning it.

Don't get me wrong. I love all my friends, I love my brother and my mom. I thank God for them all the time. I'm so blessed to have them as friends. Even the one's that tease me and are mean to me. But sometimes I just feel so locked up inside. I feel trapped..And I'm rather tired of people who THINK they know who I am inside :)