Hello...I'm feeling sad right now. I really miss my dad...I just have this feeling of "where is my hope" "why am I here" "why was I adopted only to loose my dad...why did I loose one parent...only to loose another?" I just really makes no sense to me. Here I sit, crying tears unspoken of...tears I don't want anyone to know about. When I cry, I don't want anyone to know...The thoughts that are going through my mind right now aren't really..."why me" thoughts, but just thoughts of...why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning..? What's the point. Who out there cares enough to just hold me close, and say "Lilly, I care about you...I love you...you have to be strong and keep going" Some tell me that I'm to brave sometimes. But...I really don't see how that's possible. I'm not brave enough to think about the fact that my dad's actually gone. I'm not brave enough to look at his face...to look at pictures of him. I just miss him. There's this empty feeling in my life that I don't think I can ever fill again. It's a feeling that's really hard to describe.
Well...I'm to sad to continue really...so I'll talk to you later....
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
February 5th
Hi all...the battle is over...the pain - gone...the suffering - no more. My dad has passed on to be with the Lord. He went peacefully on Wednesday, February 3rd. It is a very trying time for me and my family right now. Our friends have given us a lot of support and love...and I appreciate it very much. My mom seems to be pushing through all this very well, and I'm so proud of her. My brother is just the same old John that I love :) Last night a couple of my friends came by to cheer me up, and they made me forget everything. I love them so much! They sacrificed their time to come and talk to me and hang out...I know they're probably not reading this, but if they were I would just like to let them know that I've never known friends like them. I will always remember what they've done for me, and that (once again) I LOVE THEM!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
February 2nd
Hello...My life...doesn't stink, but it certainly could be better. School, I am trying very hard to get better grades, and I'm going to make a commitment to work harder, because I know that's what my dad would have wanted.
My dad - We don't think he's got very long left. If he makes it to the end of this week, it will be a miracle. Nurses are staying at our house now 24/7 to watch him and make sure he's ok. Now...we think...that sometime between last night and this morning, he had a stroke. His whole left side of his body is not responsive to anything. His pupils are dilated, his hands are freezing...It truly does break my heart to see him like this. Right now we believe he's in coma, because he hasn't waken up since he went to sleep last night.
This is the time where...All of the good memories of him come flooding back...I took his hand today and I wrapped my hand around his pinky the way I used to when I was really little...All the things that we used to do when John and I were little kids came back...the long swims, the boat rides, the fishing hours...everything. When I remember my dad...I'm not going to remember this 90 pound man lying there on the bed hooked up to oxygen. I want to remember that lovable man I knew when I was little...the man that was always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...the man I could go to and ask anything. The man that I learned life's most valuable lessons from...the man that I am so very proud to call my father. The man who's hand I held today and whispered "I love you daddy".
It's not the fact that my dad is dying that makes me cry, it's not the fact that he's not going to be there anymore. It's the fact that when I'm sitting there in the family laughing hysterically over a memory...my dad won't be there to share, and laugh over those memories. It's not that when I wake up tomorrow he probably won't be there...it's not that when I come home from school, my dad won't be there anymore. He won't be standing there in the family room, arms open, beaming at me and saying "How was school today, lillykinz??" Loosing someone is very hard for anyone to deal with. Truly it is. Now, when this whole battle began, I thought my dad had a good chance of winning...he lost. Some might say death won. Some may say Satan has once again claimed the life of a believer. But what I say is...God took another child home. He relieved another person of the pain, suffering, and hate of this world. Truthfully, God is doing my dad a favor...I won't have to try to hold back the tears when I walk into his room, and see that shriveled body lying there, trying his hardest to smile at me. I won't have to sit there wondering if he's in pain. I know...in heaven, there will be no more pain, no more tears...no more suffering. There will be a day, when we can all walk those streets of gold, singing praises to God. That day is sooner for some people...later for others. For my dad, most likely a matter of hours. No one can say. When the time has come though...I only want to make clear that I will not be angry. I will not be upset, angry, bitter or any of those other things towards God. I love him. I thank Him for the wonderful times that he has granted me with this man, even though I did not deserve someone as great as my dad to call my father...
Please keep my family in your prayers...my mom, that she's less stressed, my brother, that he won't be afraid to let his emotions show...everyone that is involved with my dad, that they will feel comfort in knowing that...it's all over...the pain will soon be gone...the worries soon eliminated...
My dad - We don't think he's got very long left. If he makes it to the end of this week, it will be a miracle. Nurses are staying at our house now 24/7 to watch him and make sure he's ok. Now...we think...that sometime between last night and this morning, he had a stroke. His whole left side of his body is not responsive to anything. His pupils are dilated, his hands are freezing...It truly does break my heart to see him like this. Right now we believe he's in coma, because he hasn't waken up since he went to sleep last night.
This is the time where...All of the good memories of him come flooding back...I took his hand today and I wrapped my hand around his pinky the way I used to when I was really little...All the things that we used to do when John and I were little kids came back...the long swims, the boat rides, the fishing hours...everything. When I remember my dad...I'm not going to remember this 90 pound man lying there on the bed hooked up to oxygen. I want to remember that lovable man I knew when I was little...the man that was always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...the man I could go to and ask anything. The man that I learned life's most valuable lessons from...the man that I am so very proud to call my father. The man who's hand I held today and whispered "I love you daddy".
It's not the fact that my dad is dying that makes me cry, it's not the fact that he's not going to be there anymore. It's the fact that when I'm sitting there in the family laughing hysterically over a memory...my dad won't be there to share, and laugh over those memories. It's not that when I wake up tomorrow he probably won't be there...it's not that when I come home from school, my dad won't be there anymore. He won't be standing there in the family room, arms open, beaming at me and saying "How was school today, lillykinz??" Loosing someone is very hard for anyone to deal with. Truly it is. Now, when this whole battle began, I thought my dad had a good chance of winning...he lost. Some might say death won. Some may say Satan has once again claimed the life of a believer. But what I say is...God took another child home. He relieved another person of the pain, suffering, and hate of this world. Truthfully, God is doing my dad a favor...I won't have to try to hold back the tears when I walk into his room, and see that shriveled body lying there, trying his hardest to smile at me. I won't have to sit there wondering if he's in pain. I know...in heaven, there will be no more pain, no more tears...no more suffering. There will be a day, when we can all walk those streets of gold, singing praises to God. That day is sooner for some people...later for others. For my dad, most likely a matter of hours. No one can say. When the time has come though...I only want to make clear that I will not be angry. I will not be upset, angry, bitter or any of those other things towards God. I love him. I thank Him for the wonderful times that he has granted me with this man, even though I did not deserve someone as great as my dad to call my father...
Please keep my family in your prayers...my mom, that she's less stressed, my brother, that he won't be afraid to let his emotions show...everyone that is involved with my dad, that they will feel comfort in knowing that...it's all over...the pain will soon be gone...the worries soon eliminated...
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