Hey there everyone.. It's really late on a school night and for some reason I can't sleep. I have something to say..but I just don't know how to say it. Everyone: I'm sorry if I've been mean, ignorant, pushy, bossy, passive, secretive or anything else you can possibly think of. I've been told how different I am now, and I'm not entirely sure of what that means but yeah, last year I guess I was "bright, cheerful, inspiring, and confident" but now I'm not sure what I am.

God, if I screamed at the top of my lungs would you hear me?
God, if I asked for a light would you give it?
Brother, if I needed help...would you help me?
Mother, if I was in trouble would you save me?
Friend: If I was curled up crying in pain on the floor...would you comfort me?

Most of my friends think they understand me completely..I wish that were true..because maybe then they could tell me what's going on. I don't know anymore. I'm in over my head. I say God help me. But I can't let go of the thread I'm hanging onto and I'm still 1000 feet off the ground. Why can't I let go? What's so good about what I feel now that I don't want to go back to what I was? Or was there something about who I was I don't want anymore?

I miss being always incredibly happy...I miss walking into the doors of the school seeing all my friends and just being in pure bliss...I would look around and I would have this HUGE smile on my face because everyone was just so..beautiful. Everyone had everything they needed. Everyone was happy. Now I look around I don't see the "beautiful" in everyone, I know not everyone has what the need, I know not everyone is happy. Maybe a dramatic experience has let me know how the world really is, but honestly (and sadly) if that's all I can get from a dramatic experience then I wish I was still naive. Yes I was ignorant. But I was happy...I was so happy..